„The smartest thing you can do is to make somebody else feel smart” – I said once to a British 10-years old brilliant winner-personality.
But today I am asking myself…
Can YOU do it yourself?Make others feel smart?
I give up.
I cannot. Not always. Not often lately.
I wish I could though.
But…there are always two sides of a coin.
So….maybe sometimes, deep inside, I wish that somebody else made me feel smart too, because so seldom anyone did. In the past. So seldom anyone really saw me as me. (How can I be the only person who sees me as me?Just me…?Is me seeing the real me enough?Is it even possible?Maybe it is…maybe I can learn believing that it is…)
But I am not a child anymore?I know. No, I am not. But my body remembers everything that has ever happened. Our bodies remember even though we do not wish to remember. I have a bad memory, but my body is an expert, it has got a brilliant memory!Even though my conscioussness would rather not remember…. We may not remember, but our bodies – they do – ALWAYS. And they give us signs in a form of feelings. Look…it is painful, do you see?- they ask through their sometimes uncomfortable and disturbing feelings. I remember! Do you? It is painful. Don’t do it anymore, please. Or….do not let anybody else do that again to you. They ask patiently…at first. Then stronger. And if I don’t pay attention, I may get my ass kicked. Auch. And that is really painful.
I don’t want to do that to you!My body says in distress. But you know, sometimes you behave as if anything was possible, just as if you were standing at the edge of Preikestolen in a strong belief that you are some kind of an angel with wings ready to fly….
I do not want to hurt you but sometimes you make me do it. And that is to protect you. Sometimes I need to kick your ass to make you fall down…just before the edge of an edge. It may be painful but it will pass and you will stand up again. But if you fall from the edge of Preikestolen….you know, earthly life is not a game, you don’t have multiple lives…at least I don’t have…
So I am sorry, but if you are not careful, I need to protect you. I know that you want to live. I want it too. But we need to get real here. I am a human body, I do not have wings to fly. And I am just one for a lifetime.
A human body is a living organism. It feels. That is what it has always have done. Even if I ignored it…because for me it seems so scary to feel – sometimes. But I guess that…only when I feel, I can heal.
But I am not a child anymore?I SHOULD just pull myself together, tighten my muscles and hold on…tight.
That is what I have always done through my whole life. Even unconsciously. I am an expert in this field. And did it do me well?
It is a perfect recipe for an illness. That is what I have just realized.
But come on… I do not have time for feelings…not always at least?Not in all circumstances?You are an adult, Marta. You SHOULD decide to tighten up, to control, to put the outer world first. At work for example. There is no place for your feelings there, that is irresponsible to put them first.
Yesterday. One client was a bit frustrated. I was also frustrated that day…for some reason. And I had no capacity to be more empathetic for him than for myself. So I stopped him and gave him solution at once without listening to his story – a solution he did not expect to hear. A perfect solution.
I stopped him – I sat a boundary. What I did was just protecting myself.
He thanked me for my PATIENCE with a smile on his way out….
Even though I was actually NOT patient.
And I loved that appreciation and that smile. That is what makes work with people worthwhile. It is as if you met yourself and your own needs and dreams.
I was extremely frustrated that day. And I gave myself permission to be. Maybe if I did not feel and acknowledge my frustration, I would not be able to understand what he felt in the first place. And if I had more empathy for him than for myself, I would not be able to set a boundary…
Oh….That what it is all about!Boundaries!A mystery I couldn’t understand before…
If I have more empathy for myself than others, I am able to set a boundary. I feel what you feel (that is what it is usual for a highly sensitive person, I learned) but I can help you just untill this specific point in space, not more. You can come that close, but not closer. Today. You are there with your feelings, needs and dreams and here I am – with mine.
Boundary. We simply need an ego for that. We are sometimes against ego, we tend to assess it as some negative part of us that we should avoid or forget…but without ego I am not able to tell a difference between me and you. Without it I perceive all of us only as unity…and that is wonderful in the divine Universe, on ideal divine level, but I live on Mother Earth with some earthly rules…at least for now.
Maybe if I really acknowledge my feelings and needs, I will be able to set boundaries…without feeling guilty that I do more for myself than for others. Because maybe sometimes doing more for myself than for others can be the best for others as well. Why?I have always thought that I learn so much from others. But why didn’t I ever consider that others can also learn something important from me? You – all of you that I meet everyday- you are all my teachers, but… maybe I am your teacher as well. Sometimes frustrated, sometimes sad, upset and angry. I am just a human being. Imperfect. And it is more and more difficult to smile when I do not feel smile inside. It makes me sad that I cannot do it anymore- smile when something inside me is crying. It makes me sad that it is difficult for me to smile when I am not happy, because maybe you need smile just as much as me.