– Do you need love?Just love!…Do you need anybody’s permission?- my wiser self says to me today.
– Silly me…no, I do not need permission from anybody but myself…
– Well done!Finally, you got that!- he says.
– Wiser me, thank’s for stopping by!
– You’re welcome, honey! And if you don’t need anybody’s permission to feel what you feel, can anybody else ever hurt you?Think about it.
– Oh, God, no…THEY can’t…but I CAN…And I did actually…
– Bingo! You’re smarter than you think you are.
– I hear you..and I’m quite surprised…
– But not me, not me… because I know you!
– Thank you…I didn’t know… ME…and I didn’t know YOU.
– Nice to meet you!
Deep wonderful cheerful laughter from the depth of his beautiful warm belly. So much empathy, so much understanding…so much love and patience. Such a never ending all-embracing tranquility I missed so much…
– Lovely to meet you too – I answer with this gloomy silent wonderful feeling of reflection I remember from my childhood moments of being alone…but not alone at all.
– No, I know you!I do recognize you know!
Deep sigh. The feeling of gratefulness lightning my wounded heart.
– I thought you were gone…Not before now did I realize that I missed you so much…SO MUCH!
– No, YOU were gone. And I was following YOU all the time, waiting for you to come back. But we’re together now. And we’re safe. You’re safe with me.
– We’re safe…Thank you LIFE for being here.
– Thank YOU. Nothing happens without your permission.
– I was so lost…
– I know, I know…Welcome back, darling.
– So good to be here…so good.
I looked up the sky.
– And you know….I do not understand it at all, I can’t figure out how and why it’s happening, but I guess I am…
– I know. Embrace it. You can… if you just let it be as it is. Breathe and let it fill you up, let it nourish your whole being, let it live, let it shine…let it work through you. Just trust what you feel. You don’t need to do anything with it, just feel what you feel.
– So wonderful…I feel alive again. When I let it be as it is. When I give up fighting for it to disappear. When I feel what I feel, even if it’s difficult for me. When I give myself permission to be who I am, just as I am now. I cannot be anyone else.
– And you are not supposed to be. You are just you and that’s perfect. And yes, you are here now. Isn’t it wonderful?
– Yes, it is even more than wonderful. It is delightful. It is blissful. To be alive, just BE. Such a pleasure I totally forgot… pleasure you can experience because the fact of your existance, without achieving first, without giving out first, without deserving that first…Without a special reason really. You can just receive… bliss. And let it fill you up, your whole being. And then you can just relax in this delightful feeling that comes…you become happiness…it rises with this wonderful pleasure that embraces your whole body and you as a whole.
– I would follow you anywhere in the world! – I heard him say. It seemed as he suddenly woke up from long deep sleep and realized that there is something he feels deep within. – I would never give up on you. Oh God, I missed you so much! Stay with me forever, please. Stay with me, don’t you ever ran away again, don’t you ever…I love you!And I need you. I cannot live without you! I simply can’t…
He crumbled with his head in his hands like he gave up all his masks at once, all his identities and important roles in the world, the armour of the fighter and achiever, the protector of the rules, strong and steady…always…He crumbled and became smaller as if he was not able to hold back his feelings anymore…Like a flower that opens up and shows its beauty to the world with the gentle touch of warm morning sunrays…This pain I could see in his eyes sometimes, but I didn’t trust what I saw…At the bottom of his spacious warm male heart…
I admired the strong anatomy of his armour so much but what attracted me most was what he hided within, this vulnerable warmth that shined inside of his chest..so warm that I simply melted…my golden heart melted to this warm shiny fluid travelling all my veins, all the cells of my body…healing just at his presence without him doing a single thing towards me…his presence totally unaware of his nourishing influence on my body and soul..
A person makes a difference in a world by his presence already…So much giving at his presence, even without his conscious actions…
-Me neither…And I love you too… So much. I am sorry I ran away… I was so terrified. I didn’t know what was happening to me…
-I know, it’s ok. I was so devastated!…I didn’t know what to do…how to call you back…I almost lost hope. But I am so grateful…that you came back. I need you here. I need you…
-And I need you too, with all my being, with all my heart…I just didn’t know that you…
-Yes, you knew. – He smiled at me with those beautiful eyes full of deep understanding. – You knew, you just didn’t trust yourself. And you didn’t trust me, you didn’t trust that I want everything what’s best for you. But that’s ok. That’s how it was. That’s how it was supposed to be. Then.
-So why…why didn’t you ever said a word to me? – deep pain was flowing from my chest, finally ready to let go of it…
– I was terrified too..
– You see…then we have something in common… – I said gently.
Maybe neither of us was ready…then. Maybe that’s what it was supposed to be. There’s always a time for everything…
-Would you like some tea, honey?
– Yes, I’d love to. Thank you…It’s so nice to be taken care of…
He smiled. How I missed that smile…How wonderful to see this smile again. I didn’t know whether I would ever see it again. This smile just for me. Open, trustfull, warm smile…And his body totally relaxed again in my presence…Oh God, just hold me tight…I am totally lost!It feels that I could do just anything… I will let you love me, I will let you reject me…just anything. My high-tech brain doesn’t understand it at all…at all!Damn!I have no control anymore, NONE!I feel hopeless…but alive and happy in this surrender…surprisingly enough.
-Let’s sit outside, shall we? – He asked, embracing me with warm woolen blanket.
-Yes, I’d love that. Thank’s God for warm wool. And for your warm heart.
He embraced me gently and kissed my head without a word.
Not a single word…but I felt his heart pounding.
So delightful just to be held in your arms…lovingly protected with your calmness. My whole body relaxes at once with you by my side in such a simple pleasure of being I never felt so strongly before…Seems like miracle…one of those small ones we experience every day…if we’re ready to see it.
Sometimes you don’t need words…you know it. You FEEL it.
Yes, I knew. I just didn’t trust my gut. My heart and my soul. My whole being. I didn’t recognize what it was.
I thought I was going mad…
And I desperately tried to stay indifferent to my heart. Oh dear, I am so sorry…My heart, my biggest treasure, my life!Oh, God, what have I done to myself, to you, my heart?And to him?It’s so painfull…I am so sorry, so sorry…I didn’t want to hurt you, but that’s exactly what I did…
– That’s ok, darling, that’s fine…That’s just how it was. Then. It was what it was. No need to be sorry about it. It was then, before, and you are here now. Look around you now, honey. What do you see now, today? Isn’t this Autumn beautiful?
– Yes, it’s wonderful! How can you be so…. gentle with me?
– I love you, you know. It’s just how it is.
He shrugged his shoulders just as if it was the most obvious thing in this world, under the Sun, the Moon and the Stars…
I love you -the most obvious thing in the world.
Yes, I was asleep. Once, long time ago…I recall that when I saw you one day, I caught myself thinking with astonishment of the eyes of my all-feeling inner child… You have got such a big heart!…You. But I didn’t see my own heart then, equally strong and loving…Maybe that’s what we have in common, apart from all differences we might have…Maybe that’s what we all have in common.
Yes…I know, I hear you, you’re right, it was what it was…then.
I am here now. And this gloomy calm day is beautiful. Just as it is. Even though I am alone….but not alone at all. Embraced by this blissful feeling of being taken care of – always, no matter what is happening. You are loved beyond measure. You are.
I never imagined I could experience such a feeling for even a minute…ever.
Mærradalen, Oslo, years ago.
-Are you all right? – some nice gentlemen asked me while I was embracing the tree in my desperate need for some presence of another being, comfort and empathy…Trees always hear you, they never reject you, never assess you or your actions…They’re always there for you – waiting, always present. They’re not going anywhere, they simply can’t. And they don’t have human boundaries, they’re always open…They always hold you…they never say: you know, I don’t need a hug right now…they never say: I need to be alone right now. I believe that if they could talk, they would say how grateful they are to be seen and to be needed.
-Yes, I am ok, thank you. – my eyes must have been wet…
– That’s life…- they said with smile full of understanding.
-Yes, that’s LIFE, I said.